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<blockquote data-quote="cartaphilus" data-source="post: 1092601" data-attributes="member: 99742"><p>marriage to a person with a borderline personality disorder. It is very very tasking. Think of it as marriage to a narcissist lite version.</p><p></p><p></p><p>ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO VENTURE HERE</p><p>[ISPOILER]</p><p>1. Lack of accountability. Someone always made them do it, triggered them, screwed them and deserved it, etc.</p><p></p><p>2. Lack of empathy - you come to them with a problem and by the end of it, you find yourself apologizing.</p><p></p><p>3. They have double standards. There are things you are expected to do that they won’t do or things you can’t do, but they are allowed to.</p><p></p><p>4. It isn’t safe for you to express your feelings. You find yourself walking on eggshells, not sure what the “right” thing to say is. You stopped trying to express yourself and now just try to find the right answer to keep the peace.</p><p></p><p>5. They suffer emotional dysregulation - they go hot and cold quickly, minor errors are perceived as massive slights or attacks or personal affronts.</p><p></p><p>6. Their relationship with their family is strained and they don’t have close long term friends. The friends they do have, they either talk about like they are angels or demons.</p><p></p><p>7. Control - you don’t get much of a choice on what show to watch, what music to listen to, what you are allowed or not allowed to say, your clothing or hair is questioned, your decisions are wrong, they take your phone and look through it, etc.</p><p></p><p>8. The goal posts are moving constantly. You do something and they tell you it was the wrong thing to do and you should have done the other thing. You do the other thing and they yell at you and call you stupid for doing that because why would you ever think to do it (even though they told you to do it). This is gaslighting - you never know what the right answer is because there is never a right answer…. Except….</p><p></p><p>9. They offer you crumbs of support and praise just as you are thinking of leaving. They tell you they have never loved anyone like they love you and no one could love you like they do. Or they cry about how they don’t deserve you. You are left confused - why can’t they say this all the time. The reality is, you have been conditioned to accept these crumbs and think it is a loaf of bread. It is not.</p><p></p><p>They may do all of these or some of these, but if they do them, they are toxic and you need to run. Why? Because of how these things impact a person.</p><p></p><ol> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Your self esteem is harmed. You start questioning if you are a good person. You start to question if you are provoking them. You wonder why you can’t do the “simple” things they ask for and think that you are hard, if not impossible, to love.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Ypu lose your sense of self. You have continually moved your boundaries back trying to keep your partner happy that you don’t even know where your boundaries are. You have lost a sense of your likes and dislikes. You aren’t sure which friends or family members you trust.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">You suffer from anxiety and/or depression. Ignoring your own personal needs at the expense of a loved one erodes your reserves and leaves you a shell of yourself.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Ypu develop physical symptoms - autoimmune diseases, inflammation, muscle problems, weight gain or loss, headaches, stomach issues, etc. The constant assault on your mind, heart and soul causes cortisol problems and adrenal fatigue.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Ypu are afraid to leave. You worry they might hurt themselves or you. You worry if you can survive without them or if they can survive without you. You are immobilized by fear, guilt and shame.</li> </ol><p>[/ISPOILER]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="cartaphilus, post: 1092601, member: 99742"] marriage to a person with a borderline personality disorder. It is very very tasking. Think of it as marriage to a narcissist lite version. ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO VENTURE HERE [ISPOILER] 1. Lack of accountability. Someone always made them do it, triggered them, screwed them and deserved it, etc. 2. Lack of empathy - you come to them with a problem and by the end of it, you find yourself apologizing. 3. They have double standards. There are things you are expected to do that they won’t do or things you can’t do, but they are allowed to. 4. It isn’t safe for you to express your feelings. You find yourself walking on eggshells, not sure what the “right” thing to say is. You stopped trying to express yourself and now just try to find the right answer to keep the peace. 5. They suffer emotional dysregulation - they go hot and cold quickly, minor errors are perceived as massive slights or attacks or personal affronts. 6. Their relationship with their family is strained and they don’t have close long term friends. The friends they do have, they either talk about like they are angels or demons. 7. Control - you don’t get much of a choice on what show to watch, what music to listen to, what you are allowed or not allowed to say, your clothing or hair is questioned, your decisions are wrong, they take your phone and look through it, etc. 8. The goal posts are moving constantly. You do something and they tell you it was the wrong thing to do and you should have done the other thing. You do the other thing and they yell at you and call you stupid for doing that because why would you ever think to do it (even though they told you to do it). This is gaslighting - you never know what the right answer is because there is never a right answer…. Except…. 9. They offer you crumbs of support and praise just as you are thinking of leaving. They tell you they have never loved anyone like they love you and no one could love you like they do. Or they cry about how they don’t deserve you. You are left confused - why can’t they say this all the time. The reality is, you have been conditioned to accept these crumbs and think it is a loaf of bread. It is not. They may do all of these or some of these, but if they do them, they are toxic and you need to run. Why? Because of how these things impact a person. [LIST=1] [*]Your self esteem is harmed. You start questioning if you are a good person. You start to question if you are provoking them. You wonder why you can’t do the “simple” things they ask for and think that you are hard, if not impossible, to love. [*]Ypu lose your sense of self. You have continually moved your boundaries back trying to keep your partner happy that you don’t even know where your boundaries are. You have lost a sense of your likes and dislikes. You aren’t sure which friends or family members you trust. [*]You suffer from anxiety and/or depression. Ignoring your own personal needs at the expense of a loved one erodes your reserves and leaves you a shell of yourself. [*]Ypu develop physical symptoms - autoimmune diseases, inflammation, muscle problems, weight gain or loss, headaches, stomach issues, etc. The constant assault on your mind, heart and soul causes cortisol problems and adrenal fatigue. [*]Ypu are afraid to leave. You worry they might hurt themselves or you. You worry if you can survive without them or if they can survive without you. You are immobilized by fear, guilt and shame. [/LIST] [/ISPOILER] [/QUOTE]
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