Share your best jokes.

[cartaphilus]

 

[cartaphilus]

My new stepdaughter is convinced that our house is hunted.

I honestly don't understand, I have lived here for 827 years and haven't noticed a thing!

 

[vtqhtr413]

 

[MuzzMelbourne]

 

[Viking]

I wanted to become a comedian, but everyone laughed at me.

 

[Jonny Quest]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Prime. I’ll let you know which came first.

 

[vtqhtr413]

If I state my opinion in public and my wife isn't there to hear it, am I still wrong?

 

[cartaphilus]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she has been with?

She said: "Yes, the others were at least seven or eight"

 

[cartaphilus]

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.​

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

[Morro]

A Priest is about to start his first speech in his new church, when suddenly the front doors burst open with force. And a fierce looking person is standing at the entrance
screaming... "I am the Devil, destroyer of worlds, fear me!!", and the person starts trowing fireballs all around the church. Everyone starts running away, except for one
man sitting on the front bench.

The Devil walks up to the man with immense fury in his eyes, and screams at the man... "I am the Devil, destroyer of worlds, do you not fear me!?" The man calmly looks up to the
Devil and says... "Nah, I have been married to your sister 25 years already."

 

[cartaphilus]

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,

"Please untie her, please, let her go!"

The thief responds with,

"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"

The man yet again pleads,

"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,

"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,

"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"

"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"

 

[R3j3ct]

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.
She keeps standing by the window, staring.

If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

 

[Jonny Quest]

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel ahead, and she says: "Here we go again."

I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.

 

[cartaphilus]

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..​

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”
Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”
St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.”
Harold never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. The chickens his wife raised just ran around pecking at the ground, no stress, and at least he’d still be close to her.
Harold replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground in his old backyard! Another hen strolled up and said, "So, you're the new hen, nice to meet you. How’s your first day here?”
"Not bad," replied Harold, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm gonna explode!”
"You're ovulating," explained the hen. “Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before!”
"Never.." said Harold.
"Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Harold clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg. Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. It felt amazing. He never new it was like this! Just as he was about to lay his third egg, his wife called out to him. “Harold! Harold!”
Happiness filled Harold as he saw her running towards him. Knowing she was there to share this moment, he was overwhelmed by joy.
He clucked once, clucked twice, and suddenly felt his wife smack the back of his head. “Dammit, Harold wake up! You're shitting the bed!”

 

[cartaphilus]

I haven't slept for ten days. Since medically that would be called a coma and not sleep.

 

[cartaphilus]

 

[Morro]

A Native American Chieftain and his son are talking with one another. The son asks, Father, how did you and mother came up with the name of my sister and me?

The chieftain says, well, my son, we looked at what we saw in nature at that time. In case of your sister, she was born at dawn with a bright star in the sky, and so we called her Dawn Star.

The son thinks about that for a while and then nods that he understands. But father, what about my name, he asks? The Chieftain looks at his son and asks... "What do you mean Twodogsf#%^*&g?"

 

[R3j3ct]

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

 

[cartaphilus]

Canada invest time travel

 

[Sammo]

After Jimmy Buffett dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Jimmy a little two bedroom house with a faded parrot banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Jimmy. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Jimmy looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Tie-dyed flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Grateful Dead banner hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God. But, let me ask you a question. I get this little two bedroom house with a faded banner and Jerry Garcia gets a mansion with brand new Grateful Dead banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile, God says, "That's not Jerry's house, it's mine!"