Share your best jokes.

[spiritedawaymadmax]

A giant monster appeared near a village one day, and started terrorizing the townsfolk during the day, while retreating in a nearby cave at nights.
Unable to chase it away, the villagers call on Batman (profile pic unrelated) to defeat the creature. He enters the cave, and after battling it for 5 mins, he runs out, yelling: "Wow what a monstrosity! Can't take this anymore, byee!"

The next day they ask Superman for help. But he too flees out of the cave after mere 5 minutes, screaming" Wow what an ugly creature! Can't continue this anymore, byeee!"

Having nowhere left to turn, the villagers plead to Donald Trump to confront the monster. He accepts the challenge and enters the cave with the usual swag walk.
After nearly 5 minutes, the monster storms out of the cave, screaming: "Wow what a redneck! I can't deal with him anymore, byeee!"

 

[Sammo]

Billy and Tommy were playing by the creek under a foot bridge one afternoon when Trump came riding along the path above them in a golf cart. Trump hit a rock and was tossed over the bridge into the creek. He was lying face down and would have drowned if the two little boys hadn't pulled him out of the water.

After being saved by the boys Trump said to them: "Thank you for saving my life. As a reward I will give each of you whatever gift you desire."

Billy said "I would love to have the latest Xbox and a couple of games." Trump said "Done!"

Tommy said "I would like a new motorized wheelchair." Trump looked surprised and asked "Why? You don't look like you need one."

Tommy responded "I will once I tell my father I helped save your fat sorry ass."

 

[partha_roy]

"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."

 

[cartaphilus]

My grandfather downed 10 German planes during WW2. He was the Luftwaffe's worst mechanic. (This was actually true in other jobs like factory jobs where captives or local populace had to work. They would perform shoddy jobs a shoddy assemblies. Good enough to pass cursory inspection but that's about it).

 

[Viking]

A father & daughter went to Iraq for a holiday. The father bought his daughter a handbag.
The daughter said: thanks for the bag, dad.

 

[FALLEN]

A father & daughter went to Iran for a holiday. The father bought his daughter a handbag.
The daughter said: thanks for the bag, dad.

Iran?

 

[Viking]

Iran?

Sorry, I meant Iraq

 

[blackice]

Patrick Stewart is a treasure. But, this had me laughing hard. My 4 year old was asking what was wrong with the music.

 

[R3j3ct]

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck…..”

 

[Jonny Quest]

A blind man walks into a bar and starts swinging his dog around on its leash. The bartender asks, "what are you doing"? The blind man replies, "just having a look around".

 

[Azazel]

A new day passes in Russia, and people get ready for next presidential election.
On the election day the ballot paper says:

Do you mind for Putin to be the next president?

• Yes, I do not mind.
• No, I do not mind.

 

[cartaphilus]

I am going to name my next dog: "stay"


"Come Stay, stay come!"

 

[cartaphilus]