Jokes only please!

[sid_16]

I searched the forum but found no thread for jokes . If there is any thread dedicated for laughing and relaxing please merge this thread.
Here is mine.
A man walks into the front door of a bar, obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink. He cannot serve him any more liquor, but could call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and firmly but politely refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

 

[sid_16]

Another one .
A little boy goes to his father and asks “ Daddy how was I born?” The father answers,
Well son, I guess one day you’ll need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.Then I set up date via email with your mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled for sometime. Then your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload we realized to our horror that we had not used any firewall and it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months later a pop up appeared and that is you.

 

[sid_16]

An Irish Password Joke

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found

that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin


When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied


'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to

be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'

 

[MalwareDetective]

nice thread and jokes!

 

[cptredsox]

a pirate comes into a bar .. he´s got a steering wheel between his legs .. the bartender asks "why do you have a steering wheel between your legs?" .. the pirate says "harrrrr ... its driving me nuts!"

 

[BoraMurdar]

I love stupid jokes
Man walks into a bar and tells to the waiter :
- "Give me double Vodka but without the lemon"
Waiter goes to the bar, looking for something, and goes back to the customer :
- "Sorry man, we have no lemons at the moment, maybe without something else? "

 

[Venustus]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide'.
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband!'

The pharmacist's eyes got bigger and he exclaimed, 'Oh my Gosh! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, it's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw us both in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen!! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!!

 

[Ink]

A man walks into a bar.

 

[BoraMurdar]

- Doctor! Please help I have amnesia!!!
- What do you have?
- What do I have???

 

[MalwareDetective]

- Doctor! Please help I have amnesia!!!
- What do you have?
- What do I have???

hehehe this is good!!!

 

[sid_16]

Johnny's Thinking


One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."

Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

 

[sid_16]

NEW COMPANY PROGRAM - S.H.I.T.


I wanted to share with you a new program of a company I read in an email forwarded by a friend . It is called 'Special High Intensity Training'. Here is the memo the employees received:


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from the employees, it will be our (company's) policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else does.


If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.


If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).


Thank you,

Boss In General

Special High Intensity Training

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

[ZeroDay]

If you're flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?",
your answer should always be "Yes".

Well, if you're going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

 

[sid_16]

A Cowboy Named Bud



A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.

You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

 

[ZeroDay]

My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."

 

[ZeroDay]

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

 

[ZeroDay]

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year... even if he has to write the song himself.

 

[sid_16]

How the internet was born a theist story.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.And was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon . And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to 's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO .

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And That is how it all began...

 

[juhful]

2 strings walk into a bar and sit down, the Bartender asks them what they would like, they say beers please, the Bartender tells them that they do not serve strings there and they must leave, so they go outside and one of the strings is really mad, he says "I am going back in there and getting a beer!!!" So he starts grabbing himself everywhere and pulling on himself, twisting and tying. He goes back in the bar and sits down, the Bartender comes over and asks what would you like, the string says a beer please, the Bartender looks at him and says "you wouldn't be a string would you?" the string replies.. "nope a frayed knot"

 

[MalwareDetective]

A school student come to his geography teacher after the class and asking her to send him her photos..
The teacher asks why he need that and the student says: I'm making a work about natural disasters


Another one: Two criminals walking together at the forest. Suddenly one of them pass out and fell down. His friend call immediately to 911 and asking for ambulance "my friend fell down and his dead!!". the people from 911 says: "wait, we have to make sure he's dead". "Ok, just a second (gun fire heard) Ok whats now?"