Jokes only please!
- Thread starter sid_16
- Start date
BoraMudar, before you post anything in that direction, you have to remember that black-humor is much like a leg... some people have it, some people don't. So, I'm just pointing that out. But on to the real joke.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, of all people, was once asked, following the Windows 8 interface controversy, about which version of Windows he preferred, 7 or 8. And Arnold's response truly blew everyone's mind when he just said "I still love Vista, baby."
Arnold Schwarzenegger, of all people, was once asked, following the Windows 8 interface controversy, about which version of Windows he preferred, 7 or 8. And Arnold's response truly blew everyone's mind when he just said "I still love Vista, baby."
G
Guest28
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
- Mom! I'm hungry!!!
- I hear you! No need to yell! There's Nutella on that shelf over there
- But mooooom
I don't have hands to reach it...
- No hands... no Nutella
- I hear you! No need to yell! There's Nutella on that shelf over there
- But mooooom
I don't have hands to reach it...- No hands... no Nutella
Valentine Poems
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away
For a couple seconds...
To continue shaving...
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much,
I dropped My electric shaver
Which knocked
The donut Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers!
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away
For a couple seconds...
To continue shaving...
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much,
I dropped My electric shaver
Which knocked
The donut Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers!
G
Guest28
AHHHHHHHHH!!
AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!
AHHHHHH!!!!!
MY EYE!!!!! MY EYE!!!!!!!!
.-0
AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!
AHHHHHH!!!!!
MY EYE!!!!! MY EYE!!!!!!!!
.-0
Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their
handguns down through
the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wanna' you to take-a my chrome plated
9mm pistol so you will always remember me.
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed
with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then, eh? Point-a to your
watch and say, "times up" ?
handguns down through
the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wanna' you to take-a my chrome plated
9mm pistol so you will always remember me.
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed
with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then, eh? Point-a to your
watch and say, "times up" ?
I was recently sent an amusing one, that I think all the engineers in the forum will appreciate.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
1 more....
A Jewish man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Israel on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jewish man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan!
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the Jewish man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The Jewish man replies: Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
A Jewish man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Israel on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jewish man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan!
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the Jewish man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The Jewish man replies: Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
Two people seat together at the train.
one of them asking from the second: "Can you close the window? it's cold outside..."
The second one answering: "no, because it won't help. Do you think that if I will close the window it will be hot outside?"
one of them asking from the second: "Can you close the window? it's cold outside..."
The second one answering: "no, because it won't help. Do you think that if I will close the window it will be hot outside?"
G
Guest28
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents
Police: Where does your parents live?
Me: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If I tell you, you wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house
Me: With my parents
Police: Where does your parents live?
Me: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If I tell you, you wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house
Teacher: Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up.
'Nobody stands up'
Teacher: I'm sure there are some stupid students over here.
'Little Johnny stands up'
Teacher: Ohhh, Johnny you think you're stupid?
Little Johnny: No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone.
'Nobody stands up'
Teacher: I'm sure there are some stupid students over here.
'Little Johnny stands up'
Teacher: Ohhh, Johnny you think you're stupid?
Little Johnny: No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone.
Teacher Fell Asleep In Class And A Little Naughty Boy Walked Up To Him,
Little Boy : “Teacher Are You Sleeping In Class?”
Teacher : “No I Am Not Sleeping In Class.”
Little Boy : “What Were You Doing Sir?”
Teacher : ” I Was Talking To God.”
The Next Day The Naughty Boy Fell asleep In Class And The Same
Teacher Walks Up To Him
Teacher : “Young Man, You Are Sleeping In My Class.”
Little Boy : “No Not Me Sir, I Am Not Sleeping.”
Angry Teacher: “What Were You Doing.??”
Little Boy : “I Was Talking To God.”
Angry Teacher: “What Did He Say??”
Little Boy : “God Said He Never Spoke To You Yesterday”
Little Boy : “Teacher Are You Sleeping In Class?”
Teacher : “No I Am Not Sleeping In Class.”
Little Boy : “What Were You Doing Sir?”
Teacher : ” I Was Talking To God.”
The Next Day The Naughty Boy Fell asleep In Class And The Same
Teacher Walks Up To Him
Teacher : “Young Man, You Are Sleeping In My Class.”
Little Boy : “No Not Me Sir, I Am Not Sleeping.”
Angry Teacher: “What Were You Doing.??”
Little Boy : “I Was Talking To God.”
Angry Teacher: “What Did He Say??”
Little Boy : “God Said He Never Spoke To You Yesterday”
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