Jokes only please!

[sid_16]

Funniest Letter Ever:

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his
mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this
was a good time to tell his mother what he
wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at
home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he
deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his
behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how
you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room
and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
*******
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I
would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not
been a very good boy this year, So he tore up
the letter and started over.

Letter 2
*******
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good
boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he
tore up the letter and started again.


Letter 3
*******
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would
really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God
either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.


Letter 4
*******
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am
very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike
for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was
not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was
very upset. He went downstairs and told his
mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's
mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby
looked very sad. ''Just be home in time for
dinner'', Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked
down the street to the church on the corner.
Little Bobby went into the church and up to the
altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue
of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his
shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into the house, and up to his room. He shut the
door to his room and sat down with a piece of
paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter
to God.

Letter 5
*******
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT
TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE RED BIKE!!!!!!
Bobby.

 

[ZeroDay]

I was so ugly as a baby, when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were five in the bed, and the little one said -

"These NHS cuts are getting a bit much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's reported that 1 in 3 Russian men is an alcoholic.

Lightweights.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[sid_16]

The Hair Dryer



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

[adyblueboy]

http://9gag.com/gag/adNoV5j

 

[sid_16]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and
Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
•NBA 5.0,
•NFL 3.0and
•Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend
•Cooking 3.0 and
•Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support.

 

[sid_16]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began running unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Monday Night football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me please?
Thanks,
Joe
——————————————————–
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Jewelry 2.2, and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support

 

[sid_16]

A Cowboy Named Bud
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

 

[sid_16]

How the internet was born - a (theistic) true story...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon . And she said unto Abraham, her husband,"Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to 's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO . Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
And That is how it all began...

 

[Chromatinfish 123]

A techie asked another guy what he liked the most: Windows, Linux, or Mac. The person replied, "I don't like weaving or eating apples, I need some more Windows for my new house, so I'll say Windows."
(Techie slaps his head)
"Fine, so do you like XP, Vista, 7 ,or 8?" The guy replies, "I'll have 50 Windows."
Techie: "I doubt if Microsoft can release that right now." The Guy: "Then tell this Micro Soft guy to make more!"
Techie: "The company isn't here." The Guy: "You know what, lets just have some Apple."
Techie: "Ok, the Macbook Air is on sale for $899." The Guy: "I don't need an air-stuffed book about cooking macs!"
Techie: "You'd probably like the Mac Pro, for $2999. It has a new cylinder design." The Guy: "I don't need a cylinder Apple!"
Techie: "How about the Mac Mini? Only $599 and it's cubic." The Guy: "Guess what, I want cheap and spherical Apples. I'll just buy Fuji"
Techie: (Going on the Apple site)"Maybe you're right, there might be a Mac Fuji on sale..."
To be continued...

 

[Chromatinfish 123]

Another One...
Dear Virus Tips Support,
I recently have been bit by a mosquito and have a virus. I tried everything from Bitedefender, Sickspersky, Sickman Pro, and ESET Sick Security to BiteFix and FluBytes and SuperAntiSickware and nothing helps. Please help! My Virus was down-loaded down my mouth via my class bully, Malware Meaner.
Joe Bytes

Dear Joe Bytes,
First download TylenolFix onto your mouth and chomp Next and check the PUP option. Swallow scan. It should take 2-3 days to scan and remove the viruses. Post your feeling here.
Virus Tips Support

Dear Virus Tips Support,
Here is the feeling attachment: feeling.mouthexecutable
I am feeling much better
Joe Bytes

Dear Joe Bytes,
I recommend this tool to help:
McSickness Virus Scan Plus: http://www.mcsickness.com
Virus Tips Support

 

[sid_16]

 

[sid_16]

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK allegedly carrying mathematical instruments (News)

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----

 

[Raul90]

A girl asks her fiancee to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her fiancee that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the fiancee is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the fiancee for about an hour. He tells the fiancee everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the fiancee how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The fiancee insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the fiancee shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The fiancee goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The fiancee quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the fiancee still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the fiancee. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her fiancee, "I had no idea you were so religious." The fiancee turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

[Raul90]

A very loyal maid answers phone. Man says, "Can I speak to my wife?" Maid says, "Sorry Sir you can't, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." Fuming mad he's says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." So loyal she went upstairs. She says, "Ok." SHOTS FIRED!.. later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "Sir, we don't have a pool."A short silence enfolds....Man asks, "Is this 565-33769?"

 

[Raul90]

A dedicated labor union worker was attending a convention in Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $200, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $120 and the girls get $80," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $200, what cut do the girls get?" The girls get $120 and the house gets $80." "That's more like it!" the union man said as he handed the Madam $200, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly/voluptuous attractive blonde.

"Wow...(mouthwatering look) Yeah, I'd like her please" he said.

I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next.

 

[Raul90]

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years and I am the senior! Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I’m not giving him any of mine.

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, "MY COWS ARE MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY 10 cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen- wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of- Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!!! At 4700pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. It had a chain instead of a rope and it snorted as if it was a dinosaur!!! Then all of a sudden...it looked straight at the 3 bulls!

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I'd just stay on the opposite end of the pasture away from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument with that beast."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. Wanting to charge!

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M A BULL, damn grunt that size might mistake me for a cow!!!

 

[Rishi]

A Cowboy Named Bud
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

Thats a good one, made me laugh there, thanks for the share.

 

[Raul90]

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that truck."

 

[Raul90]

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that truck."

 

[Rishi]

Masked Batman on MT forums scrutinized ~

1)Which e-mail software does Batman's all-knowing Bat-computer use? Answer: The Bat! (of course)

2)Which security software does Batman's all-knowing Bat-computer use? Answer : "Shadow Defender"

3)Which anonymous IP software does Batman's all-knowing Bat-computer use? Answer : 'Mask'SurfPro

4)Does batman prefer whitehats or blackhats? Answer:blackhats( they match Batman's wardrobe)

5)Which is Batman's favorite hacking group? Answer: Anonymous(Joker gives them a discount on masks)

6)Which RAT does Bat-computer hate? Answer: Poison Ivy RAT

7)Which file shredder does Bat-computer use? Answer: Bat-Chopper

8)Why does Bat-computer hate Linux kernel so much? Answer: Bacause of Tux the 'Penguin'

9) Best web-debugging tool according the villain-Riddler? Answer: 'Fiddler' web debugging tool

10) Which Batman series character would own Faronics? Answer: Mr.Freeze(He likes deepfreeze)

11) Which character would invent encryption algorithms in Batman? Answer: Two-face invents 'Two-fish'

12) Which anti-theft for android CATwoman prefers? Answer:CAT(Comodo Anti-Theft)